Havoc the Holidays

Photograph Copyright Patrik Wallner.

Photograph Copyright Patrik Wallner.

Drama is conflict.  It draws us to the edge of our seats.  It keeps us waiting, wanting to see what in the world will happen next.  

So why do we try so hard to escape it?

Embracing drama might make the holidays less festive, but it won't make them less entertaining.  As creative bodies, we should use this time of year to examine conflict a little closer.  You need rich material for your next novel.  Maybe you work in reality television and have run out of fresh ideas. You could even be gainfully employed in dispute resolution and looking to invigorate your training manuals with up-to-date scenarios.

Wherever you are and whatever you do, look at the holidays in a brand new light.  Stop seeking peace.  It is futile.  Instead havoc the holidays.

Here are my top five suggestions for Holiday mayhem:

1. Don't stuff a crabby family into a station wagon.  Do you really want to endure an endless barrage of "are we there yets."???  Instead, consider hitchhiking.  This will kill any preconceived notions your little ones may have about stranger danger.  Imagine the rush of riding shotgun alongside a hairy truck driver.  What stories might you uncover from her sordid past?  And if you all survive, your kiddies will have the best "how I spent my winter vacation" essay for their teachers. Win-win!

2. Don't blow the bank.  In fact don't spend any money at all.  Winter is the perfect time to change religions.  Be brilliant about it.  I envy those faiths that require fasting all day long.  Imagine how much cash they save.  Instead of going into January broke and worried, they bring in the new year with fat pockets and a slim body.  If your children were expecting presents and now feel they're getting the short end of the stick, explain that they are free to practice whichever tradition their heart desires.  You will embrace their generosity and gladly accept their gifts.

3. Invite family members who despise one another to your home at the exact same time, on the exact same date.  Stand back and enjoy the brawl.  If you placed bets on the winner, you just came up on some extra holiday cash.  Video tape the fight and YouTube it.  It's guaranteed to go viral.

4. If your drunk aunt wants to dance on the dinner table, don't be a prude about it.  Allow her the space to shake her shimmy.  Make it rain with the funds you won from the family fight.  But don't YouTube this one.  It's uncool to record someone without sober consent.  

5. Go to a shelter and stay the night.  It's super altruistic to offer visiting relatives your entire house.  Savor the soup those holiday do-gooders are ready to spoon into your bowl.  You didn't have to cook it, so be thankful.  But whatever you do, don't sleep on the cots.  Instead, pack an air controlled tent.  This is a sure way to keep tuberculosis at bay.  

Have better ideas? Let me know in the Comments.